Two years ago I was faced with the knowledge that two men aged between 45-55 made the ultimate choice from this tiny community in Mid-Wales and it caused me to face some uncomfortable truths. This article will give no enlightening answers or solve perplexing questions, only to reflect and share my own past re-occurring thoughts of suicide and how I overcame them. Whilst these two incidents focussed my mind on this subject a further 3 suicides all within the same time period came to my notice from friends and acquaintances.
“The problem with you is you think too much.”
A well-meaning but misguided friend remarked one day. It is true I do have time to ponder, reflect and consider without which I would not progress to committing these reflections into articles. However I am taking a step further this time because I am going beyond my own personal comfort zone and admitting that there have been times when I have found life completely and utterly useless, depressing, lacking in purpose and meaning, and human consciousness akin to the chaos of an asylum. That would be to insult the residents who are usually there because they have admitted or acted out what many of us deny.
It was during the Bosnian War and the Genocide in Rwanda in 1993/4, together with an unrequited love as well as having many spontaneous past life regressions (now known as A Spiritual Awakening or Emergence; Shamanic Travelling; or a Multidimensional awareness) that I seriously considered the “ultimate choice.” I did more than consider it; I planned “death by drowning” – checked the tides and wrote final letters to my son and daughter. One morning having impeccably planned down to the finest detail my choice, a clear loving “voice” which was heard deep inside the silence, began to dictate a letter to me. So wise, compassionate, understanding and non-judgemental were the words dictated to me that I broke down and wept and wept and wept, and for the first time in a long time, I felt an inner worthiness, that I deserved life and could overcome, learn from and even eventually contribute to life in a way that had thus far escaped me.
Whilst I have had many episodes of deep depression since I have not ever contemplated the “ultimate choice.”
So why should I hear this voice and not others who do make the ultimate choice?
During this period I was not working full-time, I had seasonal work only and the crisis came during the winter. So I had no work to distract me from facing my inner demons, no family nearby to distract me from facing my inner demons, no debilitating illness that I could focus on to distract me from my inner demons. Forgive my repetitiveness, but it was the “inner demons” that tried to get me to commit suicide.
At the risk of stretching your minds I am now going to speak of a period when I was in Bermuda attending a David Icke Seminar, I was thoroughly engaged by his work at that time and I met a couple staying in the same B&B as myself. As often happens when one is out of one’s own country, folks one meets suddenly open up and disclose their personal life histories. During the long leisurely breakfasts one such couple, a Black African man and his Caucasian wife did exactly that; they were on honeymoon, and I will always remember his words
“Our relationship was on and off for a few years, in fact it was only when we both addressed and overcame our inner demons that we felt able and ready to commit to marriage.”
Even as he said it I don’t think he knew the impact his words had on me, at that time I had not finished writing “A New Human” and was holding back from admitting how bad things had become for me.
So whilst I do not have the answers for another’s contemplation of the “ultimate choice” or indeed how to overcome and resolve many of life’s challenges I do truly believe that the knowledge we need is available to us, the intelligence to use that knowledge wisely is available to us, the emotional and spiritual strength needed to implement that knowledge and wisdom is all available to us.
What will we choose? This is not meant to indicate that choosing the ultimate choice is unwise or wise, because what we do not achieve here and now, we will be given further opportunities if it’s deemed necessary. We are the producers and directors of our life’s theatre. There are absolutely no judgements in the hierarchial universe.
So we may as well raise our consciousness now and seek the knowledge needed.
We will not find it as long as we live our lives as if there is nothing other than a materialistic lifestyle. Until we raise our game and begin to ask the wise questions we have no hope of discovering more.
We can use many distracting strategies to avoid facing and overcoming our own inner demons, from work to sports; drugs or/and alcohol and even addictive relationships, as we persist in out mirroring our unresolved issues. Sometimes we need to get to rock bottom and that acts to cause a change. Or we can act sooner and take responsibility for our own inner health, psychic space and energy field by seeking out wisdom, by honouring our highest integrity and aligning with our deepest truth even whilst crying out to the cosmos in a desperate attempt to alleviate the stranglehold and oppressiveness that can be experienced in human embodiment.
I know from experience that help is always available for us but it may not appear in the way we expect or indeed in material form, but listen carefully and trust that the still inner voice wants you to live, not just survive but to really live. To feel the wonder, warmth and joy of sun on the face after cold dark and windy days. To see and feel the presence of a loved one after months of separation. To experience the bliss and peace after working hard to create joy from pain, unity from loneliness, and wisdom from foolhardiness. Life is hard. Life is ultimately rewarding when we maintain the trust in a higher pOwer and a deeper truth. And I speak as one who knows emphatically that she made the right choice. Challenges do not and will never cease, we may get some respite in between but this is soon replaced with more opportunities to overcome the need for the comfort zones of the known. We will find some answers that serve us for a time, but then our questions change and take on a more urgent and complex tone, but the inner drive to know motivates, invites and directs those challenges into our lives so that we may once more take up the mantle and make a difference for those who follow us.
We are experiencing in the here and now only the tiniest of minute consciousness of a whole and that there is a larger individual as well as collective consciousness that is living lives on other dimensions. But, and this is vitally important to understand, we can affect all these other dimensions and theirs’ has an effect on us.
How responsible does that make you feel?
22 years have passed since I “heard the voice” that loved me so unconditionally thus saving my life, and I am filled with awe and gratitude that my selfish actions were thwarted and my son and daughter prevented from suffering the anguish they undoubtedly would have felt had I not responded positively to the still quiet loving voice of my soul.
I am in a much more stable and tranquil place now. No longer searching or longing to “fit in.” I mostly maintain a loving relationship with my S-Elf and others, but do not hesitate to move on from relationships if they do not support and accept my growing awareness that I am first and foremost a spiritually aware cosmic entity undergoing a tough assignment as a human.
“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches.
If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers.
To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.” Joseph Addison